I would like to present to you a vision of absolute or perfect love, if you prefer. For over 5 years I have been an empathic observer of interpersonal relationships and myself, while searching for my answer to the question what is love?

We live in times when our entire worldview is permeated with social patterns, which are often permeated with religious patterns, and these are based on the degeneration of humanity in the form of monogamy. The most opinion-forming media, television, cinema, and even the vast majority of books instill in us from childhood a vision of love based on devotion to another person, fidelity, compromises and one huge limitation of human inner freedom, which is the basis of a happy life. I will try to answer the question of what love is very briefly.

Love is freedom – such a description of love has evolved in my head over the last few years. While trying to understand this definition, I struggled with regaining my self-esteem, seeing the human ego from all possible angles, and keeping a vigilant eye on my emotions. Books in the field of psychology, therapies and expanding consciousness were the help that allowed me to understand the genesis of emotions and feelings arising in me.

Imagine a relationship with your other half, with a person with whom you feel wonderful at any time, with whom you can talk about everything and not be judged, just be heard and understood. I met such couples and I was delighted with them until it turned out that despite such a beautiful, deep relationship, these people are not fully happy. Why? Well, because in such wonderful relationships, the need for freedom, natural for every human being, is artificially suppressed. The need to be able to fulfill one’s desires, needs, passions and never-ending cognitive curiosity. Three years ago, on the island of Ibiza, I met a dancer who told me a phrase that started a slow break from the pattern: “Couples who let other people have sex with each other are the most lasting and stable relationships.” It was still a shock for me then, but after adding the phrase “fully conscious” to this sentence, everything becomes clear. Monogamy is an artificially created condition that is supposed to be helpful in controlling the other person in the relationship, and thus creating a relationship based on dependence on the other person, which automatically excludes the possibility of a sense of freedom. Often we do not even have the courage to tell our partner about our desires or needs because we are afraid of being judged or that we will offend our partner. If we are driven by fear in a relationship, how can we talk about love in such a relationship? Unverbalized fantasies and desires are undeniably more important in our mind than those we talk about out loud with our life partner. These needs that we do not talk about, led by social patterns and fear, over time turn into frustration, and this emotion excludes happiness.

So I’m going to turn the situation around and look at it from my perspective. I will put myself first. I will do what people mistakenly judge as selfishness, not understanding that only when you put yourself first and look at your needs, you will be able to give your partner understanding, love and freedom. By putting yourself first, you can avoid hurting your partner. You can’t make someone else happy if you don’t make yourself happy. Your negative inner vibration will always affect those closest to you, no matter how deeply you try to hide it.

In order to present my vision of love based on complete freedom, I will use the comparison table of addiction and love from the book “The end of codependency by Beattie Melody. I will introduce my modifications to the author’s description, and at the end I will leave you with a reflection on your own life and your own happiness. I am only asking you that the initial denial of the following description does not make it impossible to come back to it several times in a few months and reflect again.

Love (open system) versus addiction (closed system). In a word, freedom versus enslavement.

LOVE (M): Leaving the partner free to move and develop.
ADDICTION (U): A dependency based on the need for safety and comfort; treating the intensity of needs, infatuation and passion as proof of love (while the real reasons for this state may be fear, insecurity and loneliness)

REFLECTION (R): Think about whether you are able to communicate to your partner without any problems, without fear, that you want to go for a week, for a training course that interests you or to a place you are thinking about? You want to leave alone because you need to spend some time with yourself. Wouldn’t you like your other half to have no problem with it? I’m not going to use the phrase “so that your other half gives you full consent” here because it already indicates subordination to the other person, not unlimited freedom of movement. For no one is owned by anyone. Won’t your love for your partner be stronger when you’re not afraid of your partner’s reaction?

M: Different interests of partners, different circles of friends, maintaining other important relationships
S: Total dedication, limited social contacts, neglect of old friends and interests.

R: The basic element of freedom, which is the ability to pursue your interests or passions, which will not always excite your partner. Also think about whether, for the sake of your partner, you have not broken off the contacts that you now miss? Are you not afraid to tell your partner that you would like to meet someone your partner does not like?

M: Mutual encouragement to develop, awareness of self-worth
D: Preoccupation with the partner’s behavior, making one’s sense of identity and self-worth dependent on the partner’s acceptance.

R: If you are assessed by your partner in such a way that you feel bad about your behavior or yourself and this assessment is not preceded by a sincere conversation and mutual support and understanding, it is a huge signal to stop and look at such a relationship. Is your self-esteem not based on your partner’s assessment? Again, do you put yourself first, or do you change your behavior against your will to get your partner’s approval?

M: Trust, openness
D: Jealousy, possessiveness, fear of competition

R: Artificially created monogamy and a vision of a relationship based on full devotion to the other person and the inability to fulfill fantasies or even temporary emotional needs for attention or touch of another person caused the development of the most self-destructive emotion, which is jealousy. If only you would cut yourself off from the patterns instilled in us from childhood and understand how much happiness it would give you to be able to meet your needs, at any time, without fear of losing your loved one … Would you not appreciate the partner with whom you lead a wonderful life, and at the same time you would be aware of freedom in self-realization on all grounds, even sexual? Do you understand that this is receiving the greatest proof of love? Are you able to give the same to your partner or are you still held by the tentacles of social patterns?

M: Mutual respect for each other’s independence and autonomy
D: Subordinating the needs of one partner to the needs of the other. Voluntary waiver by one of the partners of their rights

R: I’m going back to the basic premise of putting your needs first. While fully respecting the different needs of your partner. At this point, I will flatten the reflection to the image of a holiday where one wants to go to the beach, and the other stays at the pool or at the bar? All it takes is a short conversation and possible division of childcare time… Are you able to fulfill your needs independently without worrying about your partner’s well-being?

M: Willingness to take risks
U: The search for perfect security – elimination of all risks

R: Closing in the sphere of comfort, limiting oneself to the usual patterns, fear of getting to know a new one. Fear of self-actualization. Fear, fear… There is no room for feeling free, there is no place and space for well-being. Is there room for love?

M: Freedom to seek, discover and express feelings, both in and out of a relationship
S: Reinforcement by repetition of ritualized activities

R: Are you able to tell your partner that you like another person and that you have had sex with them in a fantasy or dream and that is why you are so turned on now? Can you tell your loved one that you have a crush on someone else? Do you understand that if the other person gives you complete freedom to seek yourself, it is an undeniable expression of true love? Reversing the situation, can you understand that emerging jealousy for the attention of others is a restriction of your partner’s freedom, and such a restriction of freedom can lead to the breakdown of a wonderful relationship? Freedom and lack of restrictions, lack of possessiveness and desire to own a partner, mutual understanding of meeting one’s needs, even the most schematically forbidden ones, i.e. sexual or mental – this is what love looks like. That is completely different from the romantic scheme instilled in us from childhood to head. A pattern that creates frustration, depression, and self-escape.

In a relationship, every situation can be turned around and looked at through your own prism or through the prism of another person. Are you able to give what you would like to receive? Notice how enslaved you are by public opinion? How many of your own decisions do you make based on fear of stigma? Think about whether you are in a relationship with another person only because divorces or breakups are perceived as a negative effect, not positive development and not limiting yourself in being happy with each other?

Taking into account human neurobiology, taking into account the scientific approach – chemical “LOVE” in the human body is enough for a maximum of three years. However, it is not easy to find another person with whom you will feel wonderful every day or the vast majority of the time. We are not made for long-term monogamous relationships – this state of affairs is a perversion of humanity, not the basis. So why not turn off the patterns and put FREEDOM and LOVE on an equal footing?

Love is freedom in seeking and finding your happiness, in the possibility of fulfilling your fantasies and needs, the possibility of changing your mind and withdrawing from previously made decisions, the possibility of expressing your opinion. YOUR opinion, not heard and repeated by generations because that’s how it “should be”

Become an observer of your life. Be present and each day look at whether you have the freedom to act according to your needs. At the same time, give yourself self-reflection, are you limiting your partner? Do you give him understanding and love or do you hold the key to his golden cage? Take your time, let it take a year or two, but don’t take away the opportunity to be free. Being free, while being in a relationship with a loved one, friend and partner for every conversation. Even the hardest breakup conversation… Happy relationships can end too, and there is no drama or tragedy involved. Mutual understanding remains beautiful memories.